Ha.
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud