Ha.
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.