Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.