Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”