Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

My To Do List: YOU*

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line