Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.