hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
IT’S-A ME,
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.