hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
these can’t be my only options
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.