Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

middle school in the ’90s