Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805