Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Okay

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.