Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.