hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
You Might Also Like
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Goodnight 🐶
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
men’s fashion peaked in 1838