hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*watches the world burn*
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.