hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
You Might Also Like
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.