Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

my retirement plan is braless

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.