@pilau

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

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@girlnarly

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

@Angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

@GamerPres2020

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

@Marlebean

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

@CaniacMONK

I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.

@jbillinson

“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.