@pilau

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

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@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@jonnysun

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

@JeauxAlejandro

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

@retniw_nuf

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@roxiqt

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”