hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
not seeing the problem
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese