hackers play passwordle
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Always
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Cucumbers Anonymous
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything