hackers play passwordle
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king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?