hackers play passwordle
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[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
wish me luck lads
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
White parent Vs Arab parents
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
A leaf blower, but for people.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Swedish for common sense.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music