had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
podcasts
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Breaking news:
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro