Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
how high up are we talkin’?
Stop sending me this shit.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything