Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
You Might Also Like
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.