Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker