Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?