@jaxxygrant

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

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@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@codyspencer0

The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling

@Dutch_50

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

@WilliamRodgers

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

@Tbone7219

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

@Social_Mime

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?