Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?