Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
what the hell pray for carter everyone
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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