Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.