Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now