Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are