Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

buys donuts instead

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something