Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A friend helps you before you need it
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle