Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another