Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Monday?
No. Next question.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger