Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
went fishing caught a bass
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for