Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Easy enough.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’m having an out of money experience.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*