Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”