Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.