Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break




why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED


I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?


I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.


Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.


C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.