Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Oceanography is all about current events

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

I just tested negative for patience.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass