Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Social distancing in Australia:

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.