Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Saw this yesterday lol
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.