Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
