Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Erm I’m gonna say no

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.