Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.