Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

I hydrated. Surrender now.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.