Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he