Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You Might Also Like
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.