Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.