@crimson_n_aqua

Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle…. conversation took a turn…. I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2

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@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

@MissKellieUK

Things you have done this year that irritated me.
-An anthology.

@3sunzzz

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

@UncleDuke1969

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@internetluke

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

@jjax44

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”