THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle…. conversation took a turn…. I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2
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Date: Do u have any allergies?
Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry
D: That’s an unusual reaction
M: They could’ve been wine!!
Things you have done this year that irritated me.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”
*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”