Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.