Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*