Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I have so many questions.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils