Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.