Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

sometimes we need to be reminded

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

I throw rocks from my glass horse.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.