Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON