Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
buying dead houseplants to save time
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”