Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.