Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

I’m not stressed

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants