Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Well, that didn’t work.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.