@PinkLipschitz

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

- @PinkLipschitz

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@RayInOhio

Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.

@prufrockluvsong

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

@Tmoney68

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@rickolantern

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

@NewDadNotes

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

@RoosterMustache

Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change

Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window

@KimmyMonte

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER