Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me