Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Meow?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”