Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier