@Marlebean

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

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@graceful_asfuck

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@StinkyGr33n

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

@cydbeer

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.