Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance