Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: *crawls in window*
Him: What are you doing?!
Me: You’re my boyfriend now?
Him: I’m calling the cops
Me: But you retweeted me??
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”