@Marlebean

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

You Might Also Like

@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@Mr_Kapowski

If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often

@FunnyBison

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

@Bownuggets

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

@vapidaccount

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@Vodkantots

Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.

@LlamaInaTux

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance