Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
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Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.