Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
You Might Also Like
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Follow me for more recipes
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?