Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My dream job is getting paid to dream
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray: