Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?