Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.