Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife