Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.


[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it


I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.


Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.


Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.


I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.


one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]