@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

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@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@VodkaThursday

There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.

@tastefactory

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

@BGH70

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

@cynicanoldicus

Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.

@thepunningman

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

@ch000ch

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]