Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.