Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Very good! 👍😂
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan