Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.